The Vipassana

     The feelings were deep, and I could feel the pulsing of my blood as it moved throughout my body. On day five of the Vipassana meditation, I somehow managed to move past my skin, muscles, and tissue to see my skeleton for the very first time. It is a shocking reminder that our world is not solid.

     Day 1: No talking, no eye contact, no gestures, no mixing with the opposite sex, and no smiling. The rules are strict and designed for us to disengage from others and go within the silence of meditation for 11 hours per day for 10 days. It wasn’t easy concentrating on my breath when my mind wanted to wander, but I managed. A ball of light made its way into the back of my eyelids and colors of purple, green, red, and blue exploded all around me. I felt good and positive with no disturbances. Outside my window the branches of the tree formed a perfect heart. It was my gift of encouragement and would be my focal point every day.

     Day 2: At 4 a.m. the bell rang, and I had to be at the dhamma hall at 4:30. I sat on my assigned cushion hidden by my leopard print blanket, and it began. The husband and wife assistant teachers glided in, silently taking their places in front of the room. The video-taped discourse of S. N. Goenka gave us our next instructions. Thoughts of family members that had passed on drifted in and out as I concentrated on my breath. The passage, “Be still and know that I am God,” echoed from somewhere inside, quieting my mind. A melody of a spiritual song came through with words and patterns that spoke directly to my heart. It was a new song, a song for my soul.

       Day 3: It felt good to be selfish and just work on me without having to worry about anyone else or do anything for anyone. Following the rules meant no talking and no smiling; it was nice, though being a social creature, it was a big challenge for me at first. This was all about me, and it felt great. I was in the mountains of North Fork, California, and it was snowy and cold – just my kind of weather. This was the day that I realized how much of a caretaker I am. I put everyone else’s needs before my own. Now I saw how absurd this is, because there is no self-value when you make yourself expendable to everyone else but you. It was a day of focused attention on sensation.

     Day 4: Four a.m. came early. Even in the presence of 130 people, I felt a little blue, clingy, lonely, and fearful about the day ahead. Strange not talking to anyone; it was as if I was invisible. This was the day we went into our minds and felt sensation throughout our body parts without looking for them. It was all about awareness with no reaction. Back muscles were strained. No matter how many cushions I had, meditating 11 hours a day, sitting on the floor in lotus position wasn’t easy.

     Day 5: I easily went into a deep meditation without much movement. The deeper I went, the closer I got to the root that has to be removed. There is so much that we are capable of if we can focus the mind, and this meditation is good for that. Though I was surprised, seeing my skeleton was very fascinating but not at all disturbing. Nothing is solid; we are all just clusters of energy operating at high-level vibration. White sparks shot out of my right hand and disappeared, mingling with other energy within the room. I could hear my energy whirling at a pitch, in tones. How, I wondered, do I put my hand through something that appears to be solid, but isn’t? It was a day of deep contemplation. My main objective in this lifetime is a spiritual one.  

 

     Day 6: I couldn’t concentrate this morning. I was feeling irritable and had weird dreams of reading a sea captain’s log. I was finding that my body really didn’t want a lot of food and that it is very particular in what it likes. This was about being fully present and feeling the sensations that were appearing in the present moment. No past, no future: the here and now without resistance. I tend to be very reactive and take on other people’s sensations by reacting for them. I wondered how many of the sensations that I have are actually even mine, or if it’s just another way that I create drama. Optimism, realism, and work equals freedom from bondage.

     Day 7: Sensations were everywhere. Detach, detach, detach, and observe. In my dream last night, I was wearing a corset. What part of me was feeling restricted? Am I addicted to helping others? I wondered if even half of my emotions are mine. Anger, anger, aggressive anger was rising up my spine. I didn’t want to sit anymore. I wanted to go outside and sit amongst the trees and disappear above the clouds. Was that my unwillingness to surrender to God? My neighbors were annoying me with their yawns, sighs, and holey toe socks. My nerves were twisted. Some dude on the other side of the room kept grunting and hooting. I wished he’d shut up. I was glad it was almost over. No choice but to work through it. Oh hallelujah! Only three days and three hours left. In all of my irritation, I finally reached strong determination at 6 p.m. I surrendered and broke through my own barrier. I was so proud of myself. Maybe I will do this again.

     Day 8: Breakfast was okay, though I was repulsed by bread and coffee. Vegetarianism is not for me; I tried that once for three years. I was tired of the food and I couldn’t wait to have a nice juicy steak. No pain, no tears, though my upper back was my turtle shell. I had to work through it. The sweeping and scanning method brought forth no barrier. I would have to go deeper into the body. Emotions are not part of this process, only sensation. It felt good not to be obligated to anyone or anything; perfect me time. I felt sensations completely with no attachments, then released. The sky was filled with stars that were brighter than any others that I had seen since childhood. The mountain air was so clear, so clean, and so fresh. I could have sat outside for hours. Two more days, and it would be over. 

  

     Day 9: I was feeling irritated, and the thought of going through another 11 hours of meditation, listening to Mr. Goenka’s monotone voice made me want to bang my head against the wall. I wanted to scream in protest. Patience, patience, patience; I had to sit with my turmoil. Front to back, left to right to find inner or gross sensations. I used my mind like a tiny concentrated laser beam. I kept my back and shoulders neutral, not defensive. My skin was itching from traipsing through woods of poison oak. I couldn’t scratch, just disconnect and observe sensation. Ah, one more day, and it would be over. I enjoyed the silence.

     Day 10: Today there were lots of revelations about past experiences. A new understanding took place. There is something to this particular meditation technique. I can see a deeper beauty in the things that I enjoy doing. So many times we look outside of ourselves to find happiness, but the truth is, it only comes from inside; everything else is fleeting. The course ended, and I am grateful for the experience. It was difficult at times, but worth it. This short pause in my life was worth it. I have learned so much about me.
     Day 11: Now it was time to go back home, rejoin life, and apply all that I’d learned. Oh, and by the way, I ended up taking a whole family of mice home that hid in trunk of my car. I guess they were tired of Mr. Goenka’s voice, too.